I am very grateful of what I am doing right now. I've been living my life in a difficult yet fun way. I never attend to hurt anyone but I accidentally did. I never meant to lie to the people I love but did it anyways. The woman I'm about to become is not the woman I want to become and I'm trying to change. Before I could be a new person, I have to let go of certain things. I hurt people a lot. I don't like to mention about my past relationship but I still feel the guilt.The guilt of letting people go so easily. Maybe, I should fight. Maybe :
I should let Eddy be himself , not forcing him to be someone else or being jealous in so many ways.
I should fought for Helmi, letting the fears go. Make him feel comfortable and smiles again.
I should give Amirul a second chance, not turn him down because of the rumors.
I should give Mr.Cookie Monster the attention that he needed, instead of telling him sweet and immature things. I never get the chance to say sorry, well I'm sorry that things didn't work out for us.
The guilt is making me feeling very very very insecure about myself. I know I'm not suppose to brag the past but we have to face the fact that the past will be haunting us forever. The guilt that you wanted to let go is just there. Its not going anywhere. Don't get me wrong, I had a very nice time to get to know these guys. Some of them are not the way I aspect him to be, shocking that he surprised me and it was a good experience. All of them has moved on, they have girlfriend to themselves. I'm very happy for them. I am. The fact that you 'have' to meet new people because you want to let go of your past seems fair to me. A friend once told me , if its meant to be it will be -via Dayana. The memories I gain because of my past relationship made me wiser. As a muslim , your not suppose to fall in love before getting married and I know I have a lot of sins. Ya Allah , please forgive me. The modern world will continue increase sins not decreasing it. Although we have to try our best to be a better muslim. A relationship before marriage is not a bad thing but we do have boundaries. I am very pleased by the things that had happen and thank you for everything (: